Dancing with Shadows

The adventure has taken a turn.
I must share with you the internal turmoil I have been experiencing in the last three months. I confess...I have been slightly miserable. Ever since I moved into StudioFlow I have been faced with my shadow self.
Before StudioFlow was StudioFlow, it was Margie Haynes' School of Dance. Margie became sick and died, actually, which is how the space ended up being available. Maybe it's the ghost of Margie's distressed spirit, maybe it's the mold, maybe it's the fact that I moved in with Noah and took on way too much, way too fast. Maybe it's because there is no shower, and we just recently installed hot water (kudos to Noah for being the most handy man I ever met!) Perhaps it is the shifting planets and Mother Earth sloughing off human parasites via one natural 'disaster' after another, and I'm feeling wicked sensitive. All I know is that I went from being in super-happy-Bliss-Fairy mode, to feeling completely uninterested in my home, my partnership, my creativity, my friendships, and my own personal growth. I will even go as far to say I have been depressed. I have been a sobbing, screaming, snotty mess. I have been having realizations about myself that have catalyzed me into wanted to pursue some intense healing. This is great! Feelings of depression happen throughout our lives. It is totally normal to experience a low point. It is cyclical. I appreciate going through it so I can come out, on the light side of the dark, and share with you my true experience. We are all human.
Noah and I have been at odds, as he is the closest one to me in my circle. My cynical presence was becoming a burden for our partnership and all of the aspirations Noah had in creating StudioFlow. I realized I just did not want to be here, and it was causing some serious stagnation. I started hating StudioFlow. I realized I was resentful to even put money towards it. I want no part of it. I decided I would rather use my money to travel and explore. It is interesting to me, because I did have some hesitation in the beginning of this adventure. Everything seemed so right, but my gut was screaming 'NO!'. I silenced it. And now, I realize, no matter how perfect things may be appearing and tempting you on the outside, we MUST listen to our intuition. It was telling me that even though this 'could' work, I did not belong here. Quickly, I realized I didn't 'feel good'. I began judging myself, my mind saying things like "You quitter! Look at you! Self-Sabotage, abandonment, failure! You never finish what you start." I kept going back and forth, feeling wretched about not wanting to be here, forcing myself to stay. Noah and I wanted so badly to provide a haven for the conscious folks in the area. I realized quickly I was doing too much for other people and had stopped focusing on myself. I am 25, and still need to be slightly selfish in my daily life. I need to make sure I am taking care of myself, and through all of this StudioFlow business, I wasn't. Too busy thinking about the future and not what I need right now to be OK in this moment. I was being hard on myself for fantasizing about travel and healing retreats. Well, travel and healing retreats is what I really DO want! I don't want my own business right now. I don't want all of that responsibility at the moment and THAT IS OK! I realize I was having a super-hard time because I wasn't being true to my path, I was getting caught up in ideas, speculation, and drama. Actually, I can even admit I have been creating drama. My subconscious has been sabotaging this whole operation. I finally broke down to Noah and told him I just couldn't stay, I didn't belong here. I didn't feel free. I didn't know why, I just knew that it wasn't feeling good AT ALL. It was hard to drop my pride, after all of the money and work Noah and I have collectively put into this place. Also, Flow has been such a joy to be a part of as the community gathered here to celebrate and enjoy each other. My friends all LOVE to be here, jam out, hoop, play, eat and just be. To just leave? No way!! Well, if I wanted to be a happy, sane person, YES WAY. As soon as Noah and I came to the joint decision that this was, in fact, for the better that I go, I felt so much RELIEF! After trillions of tears, sadness, anger, resentment, bitterness and resistance, I have my things packed and will begin traveling this June. I breathe deeply with loving acceptance as I type these words.
Noah and I have a love that runs deeper than our hearts. I had my doubts about our relationship, as both of us were wallowing in our own stinky shit and didn't know out asses from our elbows over the last few weeks. We had some seriously intense interactions that left both of wondering 'What the hell just happened?'. We feel, now, like a veil has been lifted. We were both operating on fear, pride, and seeing a false reality. We are now choosing the path of least resistance, ease, and freedom. We realize how much we love and desire each other, and are choosing to stay partnered while honoring the others free will. We love each other more than we love the idea of StudioFlow. I am doing some solo traveling...HoopPath, Edisto, Peru, Santa Cruz...and Noah has an amazing opportunity in California that could sky-rocket his musical career. The original essence of our partnership was to be 'Creative Partners'. To me, this meant music and dance...duh! Noah and I ready to live our artistic dreams, and both of us are feeling the pull towards the West Coast. We love the StudioFlow concept. We want to create this again, in different time, and different place. We have learned SO MUCH from this whole endeavor. I personally have danced with my shadow self. I am ready to face the masked shadow self that I have never truly met. I have danced around it, letting the shadow, Sheila, lead. I am going to Peru in August for a 15 day Ayahuasca retreat. I may face more than just my shadow. I have a feeling I will face quite a few demons...but that, is another blog, on another day, after another cup of coffee :)
So this is where I am. Letting go of StudioFlow. Embracing the need to face the pieces of myself I have felt separate from and scared of. I plan on keeping a journal throughout this experience. It may take some time for me to translate it all to the point where I can blog about it, but I promise I will share. I heal myself so that I may heal my world. My intention in letting go of everything I know to pursue my journey of healing and creativity (in that order) is to state to the Universe: Here I am! Use me in the way I was truly designed to serve. I am a healer, therefore I must heal myself. I was created in the likeness of the One True Source, so I am here to create myself everyday to be in tune with the Source that is within me. I am here, ready to be fully opened to my true self, my full potential, my birth-given right of complete freedom, happiness and fulfillment! Life is so juicy. I am done being the one that stands in my own way. Here I come, juicy world, ready to slurp you up and let you dribble down my chin. Yum, life is tasty! Especially when your as hungry as this girl. Love, Laughter, Light and Courage to you during this time of great and necessary change! :) Go feed your SPIRIT!