Emerge or Die: HP4

We sat in the silence of the circle. The wood cracked and split in the fire as the crickets conducted their symphony under the moonlight. As he spoke, we observed our messenger, our mentor, our leader within the loop and life, and listened intently as if the words we meant for us alone. They were. Bax spoke to us on the concepts of life and death, happiness and sadness, blossoming and decay. 'Emerge or Die', he said. 'Emerge or die'. That was all I needed to hear. In that moment I was present, in congruence and agreement with this. I must emerge, spring forth, burst open, spill over and allow my essence to ooze forward with purpose, passion and hungry flame. Emerge or die. I must believe there is light above even as I am choked in the mire of illusion, spiraling through the muck until I break the surface. Gasping but alive. Emerge or die. I must fall deep into the silence of the cocoon, trusting that this process will lead me to colorful, winged flight, as vibrant tone and air alone sustain me. Emerge? Or, Die? A simple choice. There are many aspects of me that scream for emergence. It's an 'emergence emergency', if you will. So much of me is ready to paint, draw, color, be, swim, dance, laugh, heal, photograph, craft, cook, write, sing, make music, teach children, flexibly pose, comfort the old, and LOVE as I am discovering my infinite, limitless nature. There is also a large part of me that is ready to die, or has died and I have ignored the stench. Much of me is now ready to move forward. Be recycled. Decay and take new form. This is ok. I allow the break down to occur. My ego does not like the 'die' part of the double edged sword of evolution. The ego will support, on a superficial level, anything that brings it 'attention'. But the parts that are vulnerable, sensitive, and transparent...well...the ego protects those parts from being sloughed off. Die. There are parts of me I am absolutely ready to shed. I sat in the fire circle, with so many people I love and realized that 'Emerge or Die' also means 'Emerge AND Die'. For the death of the old composts the growth of the new. I have been conflicted in thinking it was one or the other. As a matter of fact, I have been conflicted thinking I must have one or the other in MANY areas of my life. "Be with a partner or be free". "Work for another or have my own entity". "Have a home or travel". "Commitment or freedom". I. Went. Crazy! So, to bring this full circle...Emerge AND Die. What we choose to allow to emerge and what we choose to allow to die is ours and ours alone. Either way, all is well.
This was my second year at Hoop Path. Last year I sat in that fire circle and cried and cried. So grateful for the hoop and it's people, grateful for my life, grateful for creative devotion and honored to just BE THERE sitting amongst the greats that inspired my beginning. The fire circle has fallen on my Hoopiversary (hoop anniversary) the last two years. That day is also Father's Day. The perfect synchronization. Let me tell you what has happened for me between last year on Father's Day and this year on Father's day. After I left Hoop Path I was determined to end my relationship with my Father, who I felt had wronged me and my mother irreparably. I thought this was the only way to heal it. To dismiss him. To make a long story short, within two weeks of the Father's Day/Summer Solstice fire circle at Hoop Path, I was finally friends with the man who was my Father. We actually sat down to talk and had major breakthroughs. I told him I had been mad at him since I was six. He was sorry, and I believed him. We connected, for the first time in 20 years. He ended up moving closer to me in St. Petersburg for a job, and we got to hang out on the beautiful Gulf coast of Florida together for three months. For anyone who knows me, this healing between my Father and I is profound. This is lifetimes of karmic contracts sealed and healed. I am lighter. Freer. Whole. If the hoop can help me within ONE YEAR to heal a relationship that I felt had been 'broken' for a lifetime, I simply can't imagine what healing it will facilitate for me now that I am in my second year. I have even greater understanding of the hoop and The Way that it opens now. So, this year, listening to Bax say three simple words, 'Emerge or Die', I realized that evolution is upon me once more.
Last year I let a huge part of me die. I let the parts of me that hated my father, hated my mother for loving my father, and hated myself for hating...die. I loved it and then released it. I forgave them and I forgave me. I put in it the fire, and let the fire burn it into dust with all of the old patterns and beliefs that enable that hatred. I acknowledged the emotion, and let it burn away. It took a while for this miraculous healing to be revealed, but I experienced it fully all the same. I know now to be patient and wait, observe the signs and symbols from Spirit, and allow the healing to happen. I am already feeling the Fourth Ring healing. My tree, my treasures, and my heart is expanding.
This year I feel I have more to take care of on the Emergence side of this coin. Be the Bird. The yin. The conception, creative fire, and birth of a new Me. A Self-Realized Shellie. Wow. It feels good to type that:)! Hoop Path was the perfect opportunity to become aware of who this is. What do I want to offer the world? What example do I want to set? Easy answer. I know my purpose. I am a healer. This is what I was born to do. I am grateful I realized this and went to massage school, educated myself daily on the body, and study as much as I can about what it means to Be Healthy. My healing hands have sustained me for the last four years. It is what paid for me to come to Hoop Path and stay in Carborro for a short duration post retreat. I came to Hoop Path as 'the resident massage therapist'. My community came to me when they felt they needed to tune-in and tune-up their bodies after workshops. It was an honor to set up shop in Beth's barn and treat local Hoop Path-ers in such a beautiful setting. I was in another zone doing healing work in that Barn. The wood resonates and vibrates an ethereal holiness that is the residue of passionate dance. I could feel it all the way down to my bones. The healer in me emerged full of fire and courage as I stepped forward in the community and said "This is what I offer, and I do so in the name of Love, Light and the Greater Good!" Emerge or Die. I choose to Emerge, as I step into the responsibility and power of Being the Healer. As soon as I did this within, perfect opportunities happened externally to validate this acknowledgment of Self. I am officially the second therapist to join the ranks at Hoop Camp, and will be offering massage to the community at this amazing retreat! I am blessed that this is my reality.
My creative Spirit spilled forth while I was in Carborro. I wrote in my journal and filled the 1G memory card in my Cannon Powershot twice over. After being inspired by my soul sister Erin Sparrow, I am taking pictures of everything I find beautiful which is well, everything. Thank you, Sparrow! I was gifted with a wonderful Barnmate during my short stay with Beth. Brecken was my company in the barn, so needless to say there was much hoop exploration and discovery between massages and heart-to-heart soul spillings. I am truly blessed. Brecken inspires me on so many levels as an artist. Her combination of modern dance with her unique style truly moves me to tears. Thank you, Brecken. And just to move backwards in the story to the actual retreat and workshops...Talk about INSPIRING! I am always entranced when in Baxter's workshops. He really does lead one into the deep waters. Sometimes I find myself treading water, just barely staying afloat on the service. Other times, when in the deep water, I find I have the endurance to dive deeeeeeeep down to the bottom and sit in the stillness that is always within the center of the spin. Thank you, Baxter, for watering the seedlings that were hardly aware of their existence. While in workshop with Ann, I found her conceptual notions of 'Exploring the Outer Space' very challenging and fascinating. I realized how stuck I was in habitual hoop patterns. I've been hooping two years now, so it was eye opening to realize how habitual my hooping had become. Thank you, Ann, for helping me step outside of MY CIRCLE, and explore my own untouched Universe, and for your blessing toward my healing as well. It meant so much :)Khan Wong and Brecken Rivara were amazing additions to the retreat. Khan's workshop left me feeling incredibly reverent for life itself. In the softness of the movements, the precision of hoop locale, and the awareness found between hoop and body, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. I feel as though Khan himself brought that presence. Thank you, Khan, for being a shining example of simplicity, humility, and grace. As for Brecken's workshop... her theories pushed my mind to the point where it shut down completely, a wonderful gift. I must remove my mind and leave the work to the nuances of body awareness to grasp her explanations of movement. Once my mind is frustrated enough, it exits the scene, and my body allows evolution to flow without restraint. Thank you, Brecken, for taking us into the womb of your creative soul and allowing us to absorb your divine dance. Of course, I was majorly inspired by the other hoop dancers that trekked to the The Mecca of Carborro. I am always humbled as I watch the FlowCase. Sparks totally rocked my face off this year with her super sexy Boom Boom Pow Belly Dance Scarf number. It was a pleasure to perform a piece with the Hoola Monsters (my most intimate Flow Family:) and receive love from an honest, open and loving extended Flow Family. I'm honored to be a part of this community!
The retreat and all that occurred the week after is blissfully blurred together. I merged fluidly from healing and hooping at Hoop Path to fulfilling my yearly tradition of root connections on Edisto Island with the women in my family. I will poetically document this in my next blog. Hoop Path opened the door for me, as it always does, into my own personal space of self-realization, discovery and transformation. I am eternally grateful that I am able to be involved with this amazing operation as a Healer and humble Hoop Dancer. Thank you to all who participated, and to those who are reading these words. Someone once told me "We are great because we are blessed". Thank you for blessing me with your presence and support. It sustains me on this Path. Namaste!