Change. Ironically, it is the only constant in life. I used to be very fixed, rigid, and uncooperative when it came to the idea of change. “I am this way. I am that way. This is how it is. This is my opinion. I am right. You are wrong. We are different,” I would proclaim. I am a Scorpio, after all. Our ruling element is water, which could insinuate fluidity. My water, however, took the form of ice. This made my life an entertaining spectacle full of drama, crisis, and cheap thrills. I thrived on the theatrics and created one colorful experience after another. There were many times when it all became so painfully hard I seriously considered how much I actually wanted to participate in the goings on of this world. I broke free of this addictive cycle when I embraced the one thing I was truly petrified of experiencing. Change. If I was driven/stubborn enough to avoid it for this long, perhaps I could take that same mindset and conquer the unknown. I am eternally grateful for this sudden change in personality.
Since I have willingly taken on change I have the confidence to approach life without fear of failure. This is massive. It has catalyzed an enormous amount of growth for me, and for my purpose. I never wanted to leave the South. Now, I want to experience the entire world and all of the beautiful people in it. I never wanted to be too different from anyone else for fear of not fitting in. Now, my desire is to be exactly who I am, and trusting that I will fit where I belong. I thought having a large circle of friends/acquaintances was what I needed to feel important. I realize now that a true connection with someone is so special, as opposed to tiny strings attached to dozens of people scattered about. I used to be all about me. I was the star, taking center stage of The Shellie Show. I am now so comfortable with giving, and becoming a much better listener. About that Shellie Show of mine…
The Shellie Show’s ratings were dropping, so I needed to revamp the script and incorporate some variation. One script re-write I am working on now is the removal of old patterning. I am sick of having interactions with my partners/bosses/teachers/friends/strangers that mimic my relationship with my father. So, two alterations are taking place simultaneously. One. I am changing my relationship with my father. I flung the doors of communication wide open. He will walk through on his own time. Two. I am recognizing the ways in which I can deal with my habitual behavior. My long-term goal is to dissolve the needy tendencies, cravings for approval, and childlike addiction to attention. There are a few scripting changes that The Director suggested that I wasn’t too fond of at first. I.e., the removal of my co-star (partner) but I trust that both my co-star and I will find the gifts hidden in this re-write. I think he (my co-star) was ready to embrace some changes of his own. He is missed, and all is well. Another will audition soon enough…
I’ve learned that in order for The Shellie Show to be a hit I have to communicate with The Director on a regular basis. We need to be on the same page, discussing details about how this will all unfold. I trust that my Director always wants my joy to take center-stage, and that the scenes involving pain and sadness will be laced with humor and refreshing bouts of creativity. I have suggested a few changes in scenery. The Director mentioned to me sometime back that The World would be a great place for a sequence of episodes to take place. I feel that setting the stage for change/evolution in a few different foreign, beautiful, and sacred remote locations could really boost the morale of the main character (me).
Overall, change and healing have been the running themes throughout The Shellie Show. I believe the two go hand in hand. I was reading ‘The Prophet’ the other day. I flipped to the part on Joy and Sorrow. “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”, the author states. Certain changes could be viewed as sorrowful, perhaps a relationship that has come to an end. The important thing to realize is that the only reason you are sorrowful is because whatever you have ‘lost’ gave you great joy. Sorrow and joy are inseparable, as are change and healing. Things are changing for the main character of The Shellie Show, and damn it, I’m doing my absolute best to make the most of this moment.
I like the way my character has adapted. I’m punctual more often, that’s a new development. I’m creating a healthy routine, also. For example, I went to the gym tonight, for the third time this week. The bowl of cereal I ate minutes after completing my two-hour work out was not a part of my healthy new regimen, but I enjoyed it all the same. I’m flossing regularly, writing a hell of a lot more, even doing my own taxes. I’m even making my food for the next day the night before. Hold the phone, am I getting organized? Is there any Virgo in my chart?
The point is, is that change changes people. When met with resistance, change can feel so friggin’ funky and end up catalyzing a dark period. I said dark, not bad. Dark is just dark. It is meant for reflection and rest. In contrast, when change is met with fluidity and acceptance a helluva lot of joy seems to follow suit. I finally learned how to do the latter, and I am thankful that I found this courage. But this little dark stint was welcomed with open arms. Pain is pain. Pain is growth. It just is.
I am malleable. I allow myself to be clay in the hands of The Director. I am letting go of my personality, for I am only 24. It’s OK to change my mind, my heart, my style, my beliefs, opinions, needs, wants, and habits. When someone asks me something I would normally have a pre-programmed answer to I stop for a moment, and then answer with ‘I don’t have an opinion about that’. It’s true. I don’t want to have an opinion about every issue on the planet. Opinions are like butt-holes. Everyone has one, and some stink. I can’t get rid of my anus but I can certainly drop a bunch of unnecessary opinions.
Opinions and beliefs are simply segregating. They create arguments and separation. This doesn't resonate with me anymore. And anyone who knows me that is reading this is probably thinking ‘WTF? Shellie is the most passionately opinionated person I know!’ Well, I’m changing. And that’s that. It feels good. I do like to debate and argue, but only because I was taught that it was an appropriate form of communication. Again, it doesn’t resonate with me anymore. Instead of forcing my program onto someone else I would rather listen to them and say ‘Wow, that is a really beautiful way to feel about that’. What I feel works best is to realize that we all interpret this world differently. I have The Shellie Show running all day long, so it’s nice to check in to other channels. But still, The Shellie Show is MY PROGRAM. You have yours, he has his, and she has hers. I can’t possibly know how the main character of The Jamie Show is experiencing her day because I am experiencing my own day, my own episode. I can check in with her though, open a line of communication, and maybe take some scripting ideas she got from her own conversation The Director and put them into effect in my own, my own life. The point is that we all see the world differently and that is what makes it so special. We each see the same thing in a different way. So, we end up with beautiful things like art and music and tragic things like murder and war. Our differences are our connection, and in the same breathe, our separation. It’s only contrast.
Maybe, if we could merge all of our programs, create one big network, and trust that The Director had all the details taken care of, perhaps we could all embark on change together. We could face the unknown together, trust in the Source that brought us all here together. For now, I will keep on healing, learning, and loving myself so that The Shellie Show will be an appealing example for others. As for you, I honor your script, scene, and style. Thanks for tuning in!☺
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